I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
