Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
