Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
two words...techno handjob
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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