Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
