12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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