He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
