My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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