I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
