I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
