He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
