i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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