he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i will never coherently bang her
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
