Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
