dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
