Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize