I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
