I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
