I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
