Plan B is the new Plan A
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
