if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
