I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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