I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
