i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Less talking, more tequila
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
