Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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