I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
