Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
