Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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