this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize