you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
