Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
