Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
