I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
