My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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