His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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