so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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