The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
