I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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