3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize