My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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