This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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