I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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