So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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