At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
