i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
