Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize