I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
