She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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