So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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