So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
