life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
