I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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