Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
