I swear she didn't look like that last week.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
