Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
