cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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