id be glad to
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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