Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
