ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
